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Post by Κομμα on Feb 6, 2011 8:04:37 GMT 7
To whom it may concern,
I want out. Not even for my own sake. Being away from the kids might nearly kill me, but it's killing me just being here. I don't deserve everything you're doing for me when I don't have a single thing I can offer in return. I get in the way of your personal lives, I'm just more wasted money that could be better allocated elsewhere if I wasn't around. So I don't want to be here. It's not because I don't care about you; it's for just the opposite reasons. Maybe I care too much. I'd almost rather be living on the streets right now than taking up your time and space and money, and for the life of me I can't even begin to fathom why you think I'm worth the sacrifice.
I wish I could even say any of this to your face. I've tried to before, but you didn't seem to understand. Just tried to reassure me that I wasn't a burden. You can't reassure me when it's a fact rather than an opinion. I'm afraid of saying everything straight out. I can't tell you that my losing weight is due to purposely eating less to save you guys a little bit of money. I can't tell you that I cringe when you buy things for me with money that I'd rather you spent on food and bills or at least on yourselves. I can't tell you because I know how you'd react; you'd think I was being stuck up, or pitying you. That's not the case. How could I be stuck up, how could I pity you with everything you've done for me over the past year? I deeply respect you and care about you, and I'd rather I suffer in silence and you all be happy.
I am happy to have people who care about me--I just despise the fact that I can't do anything in return.
Sincerely,
Could really use someone to talk to.
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Post by Κομμα on Feb 8, 2011 12:28:37 GMT 7
To whom it may concern,
I know you said you didn't want any tears when you were gone. You said you wanted us to remember the good times, not to think of the hard times ahead. That was easy enough for you to say, as you weren't going to be one of the ones left behind. But, as it is, I'm sorry for all the times I cried. I'm sorry that I couldn't even stay at the wake for more than ten minutes--I stood what I could. It was supposed to be a happy event, more or less of a party in your memory. The happy memories. But even though I tried, I couldn't do it.
Everyone says I was strong when it happened, but I wasn't. The ones who still say I am are wrong. I'm weak and I'm pitiful and I'm never really going to be over it. The fact that the happy memories are starting to fade now isn't exactly helping. Looking at pictures of Wes and Ian from two years ago when you were still here, seeing how much they've grown since you last saw them; seeing Gwen now, knowing that you're not going to be here to see her and her brothers grow, that they'll never really know you, doesn't help either.
Thinking about it, my wanting to see you one last time wouldn't help me. There's too much to say. One time could hardly cover it all, and it's better that I don't.
I'll keep wishing you were still here, even though I know that wish will never come true, because I have myself convinced that everything would be better if you were here. I believe this to be the truth. You would have gotten married, and maybe we would have moved closer to his parents, or they would have moved closer to us, and it would have been better. I would have still honestly had a family, a family that I didn't feel guilty about turning to when I needed help, whose opinions I wasn't afraid of, who were more capable of being there for me. I have nothing against my brother or my sister-in-law, but I understand that I'm hardly their first priority. I'm not anyone's first priority, not like I was when you were here. I'm starting to fear that I might not ever have that again, or that it will be an incredibly long time until I do.
If I don't come out of my room on your birthday, if I make anyone worry, and, most of all, if I cry, I want to apologize right now, in advance. Some of these are hardly an "if," because I know I won't be able to stop them from happening. So I do apologize. I know you never wanted me to be unhappy when it came to this, and that I am, and I'm sorry for that.
Sincerely,
I miss you.
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Post by Κομμα on Feb 16, 2011 14:48:02 GMT 7
To whom it may concern,
I love you. There, I said it. The type of love that it is may come into question--now, I think it's only of the friendship variety, perhaps the family variety (though we're of no blood or lawful relation, you are sort of like family at this point, I guess). I'm not one to foolishly throw around words like "love," but you're a close enough friend to deserve it.
As it is, I highly doubt it's the other kind of love. You know, the romantic kind that normally turns my stomach sour. Maybe it will be someday--it's progressed in that direction before, but I don't think it's ever quite reached it. Nevertheless, you never seem to have any trouble cheering me up, whether you know I'm upset about something or not; whether I know I'm upset about something or not. I always smile when I talk to you; I'm glad you didn't go the route that most people do and mistake my shyness for rudeness, that you actually took the time to force me to talk more. It really has helped me.
Even though you were away for quite a while there, things don't really seem to have changed. Another one and a half hour long conversation totally by accident, until after two in the morning; you claim that you're not that good at talking to people most of the time, and I know that I'm not. Looks like you're still the only person I know in person who I don't have trouble talking to. It's probably because we're both so used to people judging us that it's nice to have someone to talk to who doesn't judge.
The only thing I seem to have trouble saying is thank you, because I doubt you think it's that big of a deal, and I don't want to make a big deal out of it. To me, though, it is. It's nigh impossible for me to be so open with much of anyone else. So, though I'm too much of a chicken to say it in person, thank you.
Sincerely,
Just some girl.
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Post by Κομμα on Feb 18, 2011 10:33:29 GMT 7
To whom it may concern,
Why, yes, I am gradually turning my music up louder and louder in hopes that you won't get any sleep.
Yeah, I've noticed that I just so happen to be the only person you don't invite on your bi-weekly-or-more girls' days out. Think it doesn't bother me just because I don't say anything? Think I can't be a spiteful bitch sometimes? I did learn from the best, as you should know, so don't test me.
I'd at least like you to let me know before you leave the house. I've told you countless times that waking up to an empty house puts me in a panic. I've explained it as nicely as I can so I don't hurt your fragile f---ing little feelings (which I have no obligation to do, I just do it because I'm nice), and even though you agree, you still always leave the house without saying a damn thing and act pissy when I call you to find out where the hell you are.
I'm trying. You're the one who isn't, but I keep trying. And I'm sick of it. This is a bad month for me, as I'm sure you know. I have the right to be a bit shallow and care about myself occasionally; I'm human and I'll go nuts if I have to constantly put everyone elses' feelings ahead of mine. Can I not just have one month? Just one?
Let me turn my music up a little louder now. And maybe hide all the ear plugs. Have a nice f---ing night.
Sincerely,
F--- you.
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Post by Κομμα on Mar 21, 2011 16:48:49 GMT 7
To whom it may concern,
When I don't want you around, you're here.
When I do want you around, you slip off and go on vacation and leave me to my own devices.
Be a little more cooperative, please.
Sincerely,
Just wants to sleep like a normal human.
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Post by Κομμα on Apr 2, 2011 11:45:40 GMT 7
To whom it may concern,
You seemed pretty nice, but on the phone you seemed a bit self absorbed and pretentious, even a bit too grounded. I generally don't do well with people whose heads aren't in the clouds at least a little. I don't like being quick to judge, but this one came pretty easy. Or maybe I'm just making up excuses again because I sort of already like someone. It's just not easy admitting it to myself. But nevertheless, you're definitely too serious. I'm sorry, but I can't deal with anyone who's too serious and goes into awkward silences when I'm goofy. I am goofy, I embrace it, and it's hard to find common ground with someone who frowns upon goofiness.
Live a little.
Sincerely,
Lighten up and maybe I'll think about it.
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Post by Κομμα on Apr 2, 2011 11:47:04 GMT 7
To whom it may concern,
Weekends suck because you're rarely online and I never seem to have my phone when you text.
It maketh me sad.
Sincerely,
Grumblemumble.
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Post by Κομμα on Apr 8, 2011 8:16:18 GMT 7
To whom it may concern,
Stop doing this to yourself. It's been two years and nearly three months, and nothing's going to reverse it. So stop thinking about it. You can't talk to anyone without them getting fed up with you about it or clamming up. The only person you can talk to is too busy with her new family. The only other person you ever could talk to is dead. So cut it out. Bottle it up, then seal the bottle and toss it out a window. You can't help it, you can't fix it, and you never could have, so stop thinking that it's your fault.
Sincerely,
Tu
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Post by Κομμα on Apr 14, 2011 9:32:21 GMT 7
To whom it may concern,
What the hell? All you ever talk about anymore is your work friends. To be completely frank, I really don't care. Up until now, you were pretty much the only person I could have serious theological, political, and technology-related conversations with, and now all I hear out of you is crap about your friends who you now have these conversations with instead.
I really don't want to hear about it. Seriously. It's boring and it's annoying. I don't need to know who has their lip pierced and who knows as much about computers as you and who's breaking up with their boyfriend and/or girlfriend. You're like a hyper preteen lately. I'm glad you enjoy your job, I'm glad you have new friends, but why do I need to know every little thing about them? It's not like you ever intend on having them over here so we can meet them. So seriously.
I.
Don't.
Care.
Sincerely,
STFU.
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Post by Κομμα on Jul 1, 2011 10:22:54 GMT 7
To whom it may concern,
You're making me hate you. I don't want to hate you. You're the only immediate family I have besides my nephews and niece that hasn't given me a reason to hate you, so you really need to stop. What happened to the days I could actually talk to you seriously without you telling me why I'm wrong then storming off yelling "I don't wanna argue about this!", when we weren't even arguing in the first place? It doesn't matter lately what it's about, you seem to be bent on turning it into an argument and walking away from it, then either asking me to apologize later or demanding to know why I'm in such a bad mood.
The only thing I hate more than false accusations, is people who storm off like a rebellious teenager when we're in the middle of a civil, mature conversation. I could understand it out of a teenager, certainly, but you haven't been a teenager for eight and a half years. It seems like your maturity level has been dropping lately, in all honesty.
If you keep it up, I'm not going to have a reason to ever come back here once I'm out on my own. I don't know if you realize that, and frankly I don't care. You're old enough that you should be mature enough to realize you're driving me further and further away every time you pull something like this, so it'll be your problem when it finally happens.
Sincerely,
Too bad.
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Post by Κομμα on Jul 5, 2011 14:54:37 GMT 7
To whom it may concern,
Get back to your apartment so we can actually IM again. Or else I'll... GRRRR. That's right, I'll GRRRR. Fear my wrath.
Sincerely,
D<
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Post by Κομμα on Jul 21, 2011 2:09:05 GMT 7
To whom it may concern,
I'm a little hard on you at times, but you're really not that bad. It's just my own stress coupled with a few of your faults (and I know I have faults, so I'm no one to judge). I just need to vent sometimes. That's why I don't do it to your face--because in the end, you're probably one of the sanest people in your or my family, and I'd really rather not turn you against me.
Sincerely,
Thanks =)
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Post by Κομμα on Jul 21, 2011 6:18:18 GMT 7
To whom it may concern,
Really? Crappy ass mood every f---ing time you get up? You're like an overgrown two-year-old. Get the hell over yourself and act like an adult, and don't get pissed off at people when they get annoyed with you about moaning and groaning about being asked to, you know, function like a human being when you wake up. No one wants to hear it.
And you wonder why I stay in my room most of the time...
Sincerely,
Annoyed sibling.
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Post by Κομμα on Aug 6, 2011 3:09:26 GMT 7
To whom it may concern,
Thanks guys. Really, thanks. You make me feel so, so worthwhile.
</sarcasm>
Seriously? Not one freaking "congratulations" or "good job"? Not a single pat on the back? I come one step closer to achieving my dream as a musician and you couldn't give two sh-ts. I love it. Absolutely love it. I come one step closer to achieving my dream on the same day he comes one step closer to achieving his, and nooooo one cares about what I'm doing. That was a week ago, and he still hasn't heard the end of his praises. Me... I haven't heard the beginning of mine, haven't heard sh-t. I don't know what it is. Am I just less important? Do I not matter? Do you just have higher standards for me so me doing something awesome isn't such a big deal?
You know, I don't give a f--k what it is. All I want is just a teency bit of recognition. Nothing else. Just for someone to actually care about what I'm doing for once. You wonder why I've practically given up on my dreams? It's because the only person who ever bothered encouraging me died two and a half years ago. I'm a human being, dammit. I happen to like a little encouragement every now and then. I'm not perfect; in fact, I feel like a complete failure lately and you guys don't even seem to care.
I hope this band thing takes off. I hope I get famous, because I'm going to remember this. I'm going to remember that I didn't get a word of encouragement from you, not a single GD word, and we'll see what happens then when you need a little help from me.
Sincerely,
<sarcasm>Geethanksguys</sarcasm>
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Post by Κομμα on Aug 27, 2011 5:58:49 GMT 7
To whom it may concern,
Yes, you're the reason I went back in my room. I'm finding it increasingly harder to keep from telling someone off lately, and you're most definitely not making it any easier. Now if you go to my brother all crying and carrying on and he comes to tell me off for being rude, you're both going to be getting a piece of my mind.
See, let me give you a lesson in rudeness. Rudeness is something that other people consider unfavorable or unsociable, correct? That's why when you get into discussions about your little drama shows or you're gossiping with your sister and your mother, I just leave the room. I'm not interested, and I'm the minority, so it would be rude of me to do anything else. However, me and my brother and our company start discussing politics, and what happens? You look at him and go, "Baby, let's not get into politics." And, because he's so wrapped around your finger, he apologizes and cuts an entire conversation short. And, out of politeness, I go to my room to stop myself from telling you off.
Oh, how I'd love to give you a lesson in rudeness. When I've kindly asked you on more than one occasion to let me know when you're going out because I panic a little easily when I wake up to an empty house, and promise that you will, it's rude to go back on your word and just go on leaving without a single word. It's rude to announce that you're having a "girl's day" and then, despite the fact that you've said you look at me like a sister, leave me at home. Gossip is often rude, and your brand of it certainly is. It's rude to post about how depressed you are on facebook all the time and then cry to my brother when I happen to mention I'm feeling a bit down and claim I'm directing it at you so he'll come tell me off. You know what's rude? You are. You're one of the rudest people I've ever met.
Sincerely,
I'm done with you.
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