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[Frappe]

hello my dear rumble rumble random diary, I missed you terribly. Reading my old entries somewhat made me happy. I just remembered all my complaints and pains and agonies in the past and how I got through all those problems stronger and relatively mature now.

This time, I'm not gonna complain about jealousy and boyfriend stuff. Though my family has not accepted him really, at least they just left us alone to do most of what we want to do and shut up. My boyfriend and I are kind of live lovers and best friends at the same time, a pretty good combination. We are both insane in different ways and we get along real well. Not perfectly. We argue but thanks to my boyfriend's patience and tolerance, he loves me still.

I also noticed that I don't get that pathologically jealous anymore, even when i think about him hanging out with girls. Of course, I still get jealous thoughts, but they don't affect me that much any more. I'm not sure how this started, it seems I have solved my jealous girlfriend tantrums overtime. I must really trust my boyfriend and confident that he won't be cheating on me.

My problems now are related to work. well, my job is fine actually. I get to serve and help people, nourish them back to health it's a noble job. The problem really is me. I just feel 'empty' nowadays. Not angry like I'm usually like back in my college days but... depressed. I don't feel like i belonged at work. People are nice to me, but I can't... connect with them. Maybe it's just that I feel so different from them and that i notice that the new workers who worked there the same time i did got more closer to the older workers. I probably am just over thinking and plan to NOT over think.

Work always leaves me tired. Some days are okay and i feel glad to be able to help people and other days, i think of work as a drag. A job that i didn't really choose for myself. I chose it of course, over another job because I know it's what my parents would want for me and my head keeps telling me that this is the right choice though my heart tells me i wouldn't be happy with that job.

I s_ck. I tell myself this a lot. 'I just wanna die' I hear myself say in my head. Part of me knows this is wrong. Being negative is bad for my health and all. I try to be positive, interact with people more but there are times that i feel so lonely. Am not trying to be emo... I AM A NATURAL EMO... 'cuz that's being human. What matters is what you do with that emotion.

So here I am, pouring this all out to my diary where no one would talk back to me and hate me for my complaints (that's how my parents usually react so i don't tell them about this any more) writing after all is a good way to express, even therapeutic. I should have done this sooner. LOL, it makes me think that someday i would read this entry and smile knowing that i will get through this emotional turmoil too.

from the miserable almost adult Aja
'till next

[Frappe]

okay, so i wrote another entry sooner than expected. I had to admit writing them down was better than telling somebody about it only to hear them comment and agree that i am miserable indeed or hear them say 'stop complaining, you are far more blessed than others are'

when i'm commuting and i see people outside the vehicles window, everyday, i see people trying their best to live. I see a child sleeping on the dirty street, old people begging for money, old people putting up signs about random task they can do and be paid for but hardly ever gets customers, i see a man carrying this heavy gallon of water and delivers it to different houses with only one motorcycle to carry more gallons of water.

I'm ashamed to feel so miserable when in fact they are suffering more than i. My problems are far too trivial compares to theirs. I have no right to complain... though knowing that won't stop me from ever doing so.

I've thought about blocking my mind for some time, leave it blank so my head can rest from over-analyzing. That's hard to do. I've thought about interacting more with people only to discover them ignoring me most of the time, so maybe i'll just shut up for now? I can hardly smile nowadays. Most smiles I am able to do nowadays are forced ones. I can truly laugh when i see babies, children and funny movies or when my boyfriend is around. he's a genius at making me laugh. I'm never gonna admit that to him 'cuz that would elate his ego more.

Maybe getting back to writing and into the online world would be a refreshing activity. So that's why i'm here now XD

[Frappe]

I get the feeling that I have already posted this before

Snapshot Report
Ability to Deal with Rejection
83

The potential of being rejected by others as a result of who you are or what you do is not something that you allow yourself to worry about. If people don't accept you the way you are, you are not going to go out of your way to attain their approval. Granted, rejection by someone in your life may very well hurt you, but you won't let it dictate how you feel about yourself. You know that the only approval you should be worried about is your own, and when you respect and approve of yourself, you are more likely to project an image to others that says "I am worthy, and I am have much to offer to someone."

[Frappe]

I'm now in the middle of making a big decision that will affect my life greatly.

Be a nurse or choose another career path

My friends have told me about studying as a barista. Being a barista is interesting however I doubt that it would lead me to any somewhat more stable job. My friends told me that it is only temporary and through studying it I will be able to work a part time job that will help me save some money.

I'm also very negative about being a nurse. I already tried to be one and found myself miserable and very tired because if my previous job as a nurse. Then they terminated me so mercilessly it really made me think i made the wrong choice. i tried my best though to cope and keep up but i don't think they appreciate my efforts and only look at my mistakes which are only few compared to the things i did right. I don't know if i have self esteem issues about this or not, i know i am competent however my emotional problems involving my depression towards work is what really brought me down I think and that is something i have to avoid doing in future jobs.

my parents don't agree but tells me to 'have it my own way' and grunt at the sidelines. I couldn't care less. I have to do this my own way or i would be miserable for life.

so i have decided not to be a nurse at least for now since i have found that i carried feelings of hatred, depression about anything involving the job. so i will find another path, start anew. maybe a barista would be interesting or a graphic designer. I need to study and practice my skills at both to get anywhere else. I already sent an application to be a medical transcriptionist, i'm not sure about it but at least i might get the job as i see myself qualified for it and it's not as stressful as nursing. the salary is something i have to find out first, i don't wanna waste my time working for very low paying employers anymore.